If you’re a parent then you will appreciate this list needs no intro…
- I can do it! This phrase alone is considered by some parents to be the most notorious phrase a 2 year old can drop. It often leads to verbal battles after all attempts at negotiation have failed. This is then soon after followed by tears from little people because they need your help after all.
- I don’t want to! This phrase, although equal to it’s cousin phrase in point 1 signifies that you better cancel your first meeting, bunker down and be prepared to swap cereal bowls four times, re-do pony tails 2 times, reword requests in ways you didn’t think your vocabulary was capable of doing or as a last resort – bride with candy, only to realize you were tricked and your back to square one.
- I present to you – the fourth dimension. Somehow kids have the inherent behavior of willing you to manipulate time, or the perception of it. 10 more minutes on the iPad somehow becomes 30 mins and 46 seconds. Secretly you don’t care though as you just gained over 10 and half minute of extra time of peace and quite–or a chance to do the dishes :(
- Tidy your room… LOL. Despite the fact you created a chores chart, resorted to bribing with candy after failing point 3, gave 10 and half minutes extra iPad time or allowed them to explore the confidence when they said the notorious phrases in point 1 and 2, their bedrooms are still symbolic of a post zombie apocalyptic war zone. Any volunteers to walk the Lego mine field anyone?
- The day you had kids is the day you parted with your bed. Those aches and pains you’re felling – rest assured that despite the media telling you a lack of exercise results in aches and pains, it’s lies, all lies, all of it – the real culprit of your pain is an all-night elbow in the back and a heel chop to the throat while you co-sleep. Quitting co-sleeping was the. best. decision. ever. Until my three year old discovered how to climb out of her bed – now we are back to suing heat packs and tiger-balm to sooth the aftermath of a nights sleep. P.S. Exercise is important, the lies part, that was a lie.
- All kids have worms. Or at least all evidence points to it. Where does all their food go? The universal truth to going broke as a parent is directly proportional to either the food consumed by children or the art work it creates when it’s scattered across the floor. Despite investing in suction cups bowls and splash proof cups there is no escaping it. And rice is the worst to clean up!
- All kids eat worms. Let’s face it, despite our best efforts of keeping them clean, vaccinating them, teaching them about hygiene and bubble wrapping them to air tightness, worms are just too delicious to resist and at some stage you will find one was delicately consumed, dirt and all.
- All kids are the reincarnation of worms. Why don’t they just sit still? I’m getting antsy just thinking about it…
- Toothpaste never makes it on the tooth brush. Each morning you’re faced with the task of scrubbing dried toothpaste off of the bottom of the basin and wishing you had some left for yourself.
- Bed time can be staging process. If your kids sleep well, lucky you. But if you’re like many parents that muster the energy each night, you’ll know putting kids down to bed can be about as smooth as sandpaper. After 3 apples, a sandwhich, a sudden onset of dire thirst and 4 lullabies, your attempt at a covert army crawl out of the room works not often enough. But when it does, you happy dance quietly down the hall.
- Get used to carrying…. everything. I was going to title this one ‘Get used to carrying toys’ but then I realised, what the heck, I end up carrying everything. A typical trip out to the store or any other place for that matter for some reason warrants the desire to take dolls, collectables, toy cars, drink bottles, bears, game consoles… you name it. Regardless of what could go down as your greatest attempt at negotiation you inevitably fail, give in, and then carry their belongings in your own bag or creatively strapped and place in and around a pram or trolley.
- I’m sure the glass is half empty! We all know that stall tactic… a crying request for water before bed that would make you think they have just ran a marathon and a dying of thirst. But no. Just a way of staying up. So you give in and they insist they glass is still half full. It sounds like they are sipping it, but is been 1 minute already and its still half full.
- No need to clean the bathroom. Forget cleaning your bathroom – just bath the kids, they’ll ensure the walls, floors, roof and everything in between is covered in water. I guess it’s a win. So you ban them. Next time they promise it ill be different. Let’s just say we are still mopping up water.
I could go on forever, but you get the point. I hear it get’s better. Yeah, right…
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